Path of Friendship™

Prickle or Goo, which one are you? And is your Dog one, too?

When I was a child, one of my favorite television shows was Gumby. There were two characters on that show that I really enjoyed. One was a yellow dinosaur named “Prickle”, and the other was a blue mermaid called “Goo”. Although they didn’t appear in many of the episodes, I remember them better than any other characters from the show. Later on in life, while I became immersed in my studies of psychology, philosophy and eastern thought, they surprisingly showed up again in a lecture from Alan Watts. When it comes to our Dogs and the people who care for them, Prickle and Goo are not kid’s stuff.

It turns out that Art Clokey, the creator of Gumby, once attended a lecture of Alan Watts, where he first learned of the the concepts of “prickles” and “goo”, and subsequently named his claymation characters after Alan Watts’ conception of the “interchange of two personalities” in the fields of art, philosophy and poetry. Prickle is precise, rigid, mechanistic; where goo is flexible, organic and abstract. Prickly people are always concerned with plans, formulas, recipes and algorithms, whereas gooey people are more spontaneous, flexible, creative and sometimes vague. The prickly people accuse the gooey people of being too nebulous and too etherial whereas the gooey people call the prickles skeletal, with no meat; knowing the words, but not feeling the music. It’s a quarrel that’s as old as time, with no definitive winner in sight.

I find this comparison exactly describes what happens with many people involved with Dogs. There are those who are concerned mainly with behavior – how a dog acts moment to moment. They have certain rigid criteria about what a Dog “should” be like, and try to fit each Dog into this narrow box of conformity. These folks believe Skinnerian behaviorism is the answer to all the problems, having precise formulas, reinforcement schedules and inflexible boundaries as if their Dog was a mechanism that had a set of exact operating instructions. These Dogs appear machine-like in their behavior, but one look in their eyes and you see they lack an inner light. The people who care for these Dogs are prickly.

Then there are those who give no boundaries to their Dogs. Who offer no guidance or direction, and believe that Dogs should be 100 percent free to do as they want. They feel as if their Dogs should have total liberty, disregarding any concern for their safety or the feelings of others. These Dogs are the ones who are always soiling on the neighbors property, and unfortunately are the ones who get lost or hit by cars. The people who care for these Dogs are gooey.

The truth is that neither of these extremes contribute to our Dog’s sense of well-being. The best way, and the way that most of us are, is to be as Alan Watts said, “gooey prickles or prickly goo”. Using elements of both styles is the best way to help our Dogs have emotional wellness.

This idea, then, begs the question: do our Dogs possess the same attributes? Are our Dogs prickly or gooey? I think they are. In fact, with all the so-called evaluation processes that are being used for Dogs, I think that knowing if you have a Prickle or a Goo is the most valuable.

Your dog is a prickles if she is very routine driven, bossy, always on alert, and likes to have her own way.

Your Dog is a goo if he is laid back, very adaptable, has very few concerns, and goes with the flow.

Of course, just like us, most dogs are a combination of both.

I think the most difficult cases I’ve worked with are when there’s a prickly Dog and a gooey Human, or a gooey Human and a prickly Dog. That’s often not a great match, and the two never usually get to what I call kenzoku, the ultimate relationship between people and their Dogs. If you feel that you and your Dog are on opposite sides of this spectrum, there are a few things you can do to make the relationship better.

First, if you are gooey and your Dog is prickly, get in touch with your prickly side; if you are prickly, then get in touch with your gooey side. As I mentioned, all of us have both in us, and if we are open to it, we can see the benefit of being the other way. Second, look for the opposite in your Dog, and help them get in touch with their other side. Finally, remember that a great relationship is when we can learn from each other, so use the differences to your advantage. Friendship is prickly goo and gooey prickles.

I tend to be rather gooey. I believe this stems from my holistic, relational and humanistic view of the world rather than a reductionist, transactional and mechanistic view of things, especially when it comes to dogs and their relationship with us. It’s not that I don’t have my prickly side, however. When I hike with my Dogs, I am a stickler for safety protocol, such as keeping within line of sight, not chasing the wildlife, and not pooping on the trial. My Dog Bhakti is definitely gooey. She tends to go with the flow and be spontaneous, while my Dog Bodhi is much more prickly. He thrives on routines and rituals, and can can become stressed when the unexpected arises. Interestingly, Bodhi follows everything Bhakti does, so that begs the question: Is a gooey Dog more confident than a prickly one? Maybe we’ll explore that in a future essay.

Ok, so this article may be a bit tongue-in-cheek, but there’s still some truth to it. Just like us, our Dogs have distinct styles and characters, and if we are to truly connect with them, we must know what they are and learn from them. It’s not always about changing who our Dogs are, nor is it always about changing ourselves. An empowering friendship is based on a harmonious interplay between personality types and a deep appreciation for each other as individuals. And that’s not kid’s stuff.

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Let Go, and Let Dog.

“The reason birds can fly and we can’t is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings.”
~ J. M. Barrie, The Little White Bird

If there is lack of faith in a friendship with your Dog, the friendship doesn’t really exist. Every day, Dogs are being abandoned, surrendered to animal shelters, and even abused because we don’t have faith in our friendship, faith in our Dogs, or even faith in ourselves. Faith is the seed from which every successful friendship grows. Without it, skill, information, and effort will only produce a facsimile of a genuine friendship. With faith, even a tiny bit, there is no obstacle too large, no chasm too wide, and no task too difficult to prevent the deep connection needed for a pure and true friendship to grow. Yet, we live in a culture that ridicules faith as being too precarious, too opaque and too idealistic. Instead, control has become our obsession.

This obsession with control is precisely what creates barriers between us and our Dogs, and prevents us from growing a genuine friendship. Although many professionals, books and social media discuss the idea of friendship, what they are really describing is ownership, and therefore rather than achieving a deep connection, they are just promoting control and exploitation.

Ownership clings, friendship lets go.

When I think about how how I learned what faith is, I am often reminded of the time I went skydiving. I didn’t really want to go, as I had a fear of heights, but it was a case of “open mouth, insert foot”. I was dating a girl who’s brother was a paratrooper, and while we were talking together one day, I mentioned that I would love to go skydiving. My ego was on the line, standing next to this brave, macho brother of my girlfriend. Of course, I never expected to really jump out of an airplane. However, when her brother said, “I know a great place you can do that, and it’s on me!”, I couldn’t back out.

It was very sunny at the small airfield in southern New Jersey, where myself and two other nervous first-time jumpers would spend the next three hours preparing for our jump. We learned about our parachutes, how they were packed, what a drogue is, and the way they the chute would be opened. We also spend the bulk of the time learning how to fall, by jumping off a platform. If we landed wrong we could injure or possibly break our legs. Looking back, this was the first lesson of faith I had, although I was not aware of it. We learned not to look at the ground when landing, because we may reach for it by stretching and reaching out our legs in order to control the fall. Instead, we were told to look at the horizon, and to have faith in our chute and our newly learned ability to land safely.

The time came for the plane to ascend. There were three students, including myself, and our instructor in a small propeller plane with worn out seats and a musty smell. I knew what I was supposed to do, yet I didn’t know if I could actually go through with it. The door opened and we were expected to stand on the outer step, hold onto the wing and wait for the instructor’s signal to let go. The first guy was called up. I never saw someone turn so pale and frightened. As he held on to the wing, I could almost hear his heart beating. He let go, and was gone. Next was my turn. I stepped out of the plane onto the platform and gripped the wing so tightly that I though my fingers would break off. All the preparation I did earlier had come down to this moment. I still had to just have faith and let go. I heard my instructor say “now!”, but his voice was distant and seemed unreal. A second “NOW!”, and I let go of the wing.

The experience was incredible. I never felt so free and peaceful. As I was gently floating towards the earth, and steering towards a large bullseye on ground (by pulling down right and left levers on the chute), I wondered what I tried so hard to hold on to. Not just on the wing of the airplane, but also to my fear of heights and to my desire for constant control. I landed on my feet, looking at the horizon as I was instructed to, but my heart and soul were still flying free.

I had my skydiving experience over 35 years ago, but I still think about it every day.

In trying to describe what faith is, I find it useful to contrast it with what it is not:

Faith vs. Fear:

When we try to control our Dogs, it is often based on fear. Fear that they will misbehave, fear that they will hinder our peace, fear that they will embarrass us, and even fear that they will harm themselves. Too much of this fear will lead to controlling every aspect of our Dog’s lives, and that leaves them no room for their own lives. If we truly love our Dogs, then we must love them and have faith in them as Dogs, and not as puppets or machines. We need to have a healthy balance between fear and faith, and trust that our Dogs are perfect just as they are.

Faith vs. Hope:

Hope is a hollow uncertainty. When we hope for something, we desire a specific outcome, yet we are not sure we will get it. There is a strong element of doubt in hope. Faith is certainty – not about a future outcome, but about a present moment perfection. “In the whole universe, not one blade of grass is out of place.” – Chuang Tzu

Faith vs. Belief:

Belief and faith are polar opposites. Belief is tightly grasping an idea or a concept. Faith is letting go of fixed ideas and concepts. Faith is having a beginner’s mind. “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind there are few.”- Shunryu Suzuki

When we let go of preconceived notions and assumptions about what sharing life with our Dog is, then we are free to experience all the joys, nuances and textures of the relationship. True friendship can never stand if it is forced, and when our fear of falling causes us to grip so tightly, we lose the very friendship we seek in the first place, we find, paradoxically, that only by letting go, can we fly.

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When Are You Coming Home…?

“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.”
~ Bowlby & Ainsworth

“It’s tearing my world apart.”, said Kim, speaking about her 2 year old pit-bull mix, Tank. “I can’t leave the house to go to work without coming home to a disaster.” “I don’t really care about the stuff he destroys, I’m just worried that he’ll injure himself again.” “I’ve had him to the vet several times because he’s cut his paws and mouth on stuff, and I’m afraid for his safety.”

This is an all too common scenario I’ve encountered over the years. Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), is a frustrating and potentially dangerous problem that adversely effects relationships between Humans and Dogs. The ironic thing is that the problem itself is relational, and prone to the snowball effect: the more troubled the relationship, the more SAD is experienced, the more SAD is experienced, the more troubled the relationship.

According to the DSM, “Separation anxiety disorder is the inappropriate and excessive display of fear and distress when faced with situations of separation from the home or from a specific attachment figure.” And while the DSM addresses issues involving Humans, this definition is equally relevant with our Dogs. It often manifests itself in destructive behaviors, such as scratching or biting at doors and windows, tearing up shoes, pillows, books, carpets… really any object that may have an association to the Human. It can also manifest itself in depression, which can display as the refusal to take treats or toys or to acknowledge petting and other signs of affection. And it can show itself as excessive “neediness”, where the Dog cannot seem to get enough attention and is constantly asking for more.

Popular methods to help with this issue have been focused on distraction, such as filling a toy with peanut butter. Another way is confinement and caging. Other methods utilize calming devices such as compression shirts and essential oils, and there is even the pharmacological approach, using drugs such as such as alprazolam (Xanax), fluoxetine (Prozak), clomipramine (Clomicalm) or, more recently, cannabis extracts. While these methods have had some success, they fail to get to the root of the problem, which is relational.

Rather than approaching this issue from a behavioral perspective, I have found far greater success when I have used a theory from evolutionary psychology, called “attachment theory”. Attachment theory originated In the late 1950’s from the work of Dr. John Bowlby and was expanded in the 1970’s by Dr. Mary Ainsworth. They both successfully disputed and contradicted the popular behavioristic theories that attachment is simply a learned behavior, which states that a child becomes attached to the mother simply because she feeds the infant. Bowlby showed that attachment can be understood within an evolutionary context, in that the caregiver provides safety and security for the child. A secure attachment increases the child’s chances of survival. As this applies to our Dogs, when we develop a relationship with them, they become dependent on us for survival and need to develop secure attachments with us as well. Separation anxiety is often caused by insecure attachments. Creating a friendship that is a secure base (as Bowlby stated) is the best way to permanently help this situation.

When we use a behavioristic approach, such as distraction, we are trying to substitute a solid and secure friendship with a treat-filled toy. When we use confinement, that only serves to bring about a state of “learned helplessness”, where our Dogs essentially just give up, or often exacerbates the situation by stacking one stressful situation on top of another. Compression shirts are a poor substitute for a genuine physical connection, and are reminiscent of the controversial experiments done by Harry Harlow with Rhesus monkeys. And finally, drugs will calm your Dog down, but as in all of these other behavioristic approaches, it serves only to temporarily alleviate the symptoms, and never gets to the root of the problem. The root of the problem, as I have stated, is relational. We need to develop a secure friendship with our Dogs to help them feel safe when we are not with them.

There are a few ways to prevent and heal the disconnect with our Dogs that leads to separation anxiety:

First:

Never make your love contingent on good behavior. This is something that I see so many trainers do, and it makes me furious! In a traditional Skinnerian behavioristic approach, we are told to only reinforce “good” behavior with petting, affection and treats, and to ignore “bad” behavior. In other words, what these trainers are suggesting is that we tell our Dogs, “I’ll only love you if…”, If you behave the way I want you to, if you stop acting like a Dog, if you conform to arbitrary standards and become a “good citizen”, etc. When we dole out our love as if it were a commodity that our Dogs are only worthy of if they behave in a particular way, then we are driving a wedge between us, creating an insecure base where our Dogs live in a world of uncertainty and doubt. This makes them always anxious about doing the “right” thing. Techniques that use “love withdrawal” as motivation are holding our Dog’s hearts and souls hostage, and will greatly damage the relationship.

The best way to create a secure base and have our dogs never doubt that they are safe in our friendship with them is to love them unconditionally. This means we show them that we love them, regardless of how they are acting. We may want to change their behavior, but that should be an act of compassion and guidance without using our love as a bargaining chip.

Second:

Use calming exercises to help with anxiety. One way is to use Shared Mindfulness and other calming exercises, which connects you and your Dog on a deep level. Another way is to massage your dog. There is an abundance of information out there on various techniques that can help. My only suggestion is that you do this with your Dog, and don’t send him to someone else. This is a bonding and calming experience between the two of you, and it loses that value when someone else is doing it. Of course, for therapeutic massage to help with physical ailments, it’s always best to see a specialist.

Finally:

Practice Stay, not Wait. Many people confuse these two different exercises we try to teach our Dogs, and all too often its the Wait that is emphasized. I witness trainers and behaviorists teaching Dogs to stay by using a treat, telling them “Stay”, and after a few minutes releasing them where the Dog runs back to the person and gets a treat. This is a classic example a tension building exercise. The longer your Dog “stays” in this situation, the more tension and stress is created. This is akin to stopping at a red light a block before your final destination. When you’re at the red light, you are “staying” there, but what happens as that red light drags on? Do you feel more relaxed, or more tense and anxious to continue? The answer is obvious.

When we work with our Dogs in Stay, the message should be clear: “Stay here and relax until I come back for you.” The more our Dogs understand this, the more secure they will be when we are absent, and the better they will be able to relax when they are by themselves. In order to communicate this to our Dogs, we have to refrain from any extrinsic motivation such as a food reward, or punishment. It is a matter of gently and persistently helping our Dogs to relax (using one of the techniques above), telling them Stay, and moving away from them. Then, coming back to them to show them that it’s ok to be without us for a moment. As we gradually increase the time and distance, they will become confident that although we are gone, they are safe. This creates a secure connection and safe attachment. This can then easily translate into “staying” at home securely when we leave, and waiting confidently for us to return.

Helping our Dogs overcome the anxiety and stress they feel when they are home alone is never an easy task. It takes time, patience and commitment to the friendship to ensure success. Fortunately, when we create a secure attachment with each other, and a deep and connected friendship, our Dogs and ourselves will never feel alone, even when we are miles apart.

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The Mindful Connection

“Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side.”
~ Hugh Prather

Achieving a true connection with our Dogs is standing eye to eye and experiencing the present moment in the same way each other experiences it. In spite of how much affection we may have for each other, if our worlds are not aligned, we cannot share a genuine connection.

Establishing this connection with our Dogs is not always an easy task. Humans and Dogs put a different emphasis on conscious attention. We tend to focus on the past and the future, while our Dogs are focused primarily on the present. This complimentary difference is what makes us so successful as companions, and at the same time it makes it very difficult to form a solid connection with each other, because we experience the world on different planes. Mindfulness is a way to overcome this obstacle.

Mindfulness has been defined as “nonjudgemental, present moment awareness”. Our Dogs are far more skilled at this than we are, at least the “present moment awareness” part. If we are to connect fully with our Dogs, we must join with them on their playing field, so we can share this “present moment” experience.

I began my journey into mindfulness when I was in my late teens. Wanting to see the world the way my Dog saw it, I immersed myself into the study of consciousness, awareness and mindfulness. Because I knew that as a human, I was more skilled at “big picture” thinking, and that my Dog was more skilled in present moment, “detail” thinking, I studied and practiced (and taught) mindfulness to train my consciousness to experience what my Dog would experience. It wasn’t until many years later, with the help of my Dog Thor [read more here], that I finally had the breakthrough. Since then, my relationships with my Dogs have been deeper and more connected. I now teach this connection in my C.A.L.M. class, with excellent results.

C.A.L.M. stands for:

Connection + Appreciation + Love = Mindfulness

In other words, mindfulness with our Dogs is the integration of present moment connection, nonjudgemental appreciation, and self-transcending love.

Connection:

As I mentioned above, to be connected with our Dogs we need to join them in the “Now”. When we are with them, our attention be completely present, and not be distracted by random thoughts of what we must do later, or persistent memories of what happened to us earlier. These thoughts will fragment our attention, making us unable to form solid and whole attachment with our Dogs. To achieve this connection, it is useful to have “anchor points”, such as focusing our attention to our breathing, our Dog’s breathing, or slow petting our Dogs. Each time our attention wanders, we bring it back gently to the anchor points. [Read more about this here.] This puts our awareness on the same level as our Dog’s awareness, and establishes our connection and alignment of experience.

Appreciation:

What often gets in the way of deepening our connection with each other is our constant practice of evaluation and judgement. When we focus our attention on something we always think, “Is this something good, or is this something bad?” We do this with our Dogs, as well. In fact, an entire industry has been built on doing this to our Dogs, in the form of Dog training. It is rare when we can accept our Dogs just as they are, and not try to constantly make them into something else. This disconnects us from the present, and further distances us from our Dogs. When we attempt to create a relationship with our Dogs predicated on them pleasing us and meeting our approval (as with traditional obedience training), it shows that we don’t really value our Dogs for who they are. Our goal becomes manipulation rather than appreciation, and control rather than connection. To help us to respect and value our Dogs for the amazing beings they are, adopting what is known in Zen as “shoshin”, or Beginner’s Mind, is enormously helpful. This means that we suspend our judgements, opinions, and pre-preconceived notions about what should be, and only focus on what is. We see our Dogs they way a small child would see them, with wonder and openness. Einstein once said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” We can easily replace the words “live your life” with “see your Dog.” This is where true friendships happen – beyond petty judgements. As Rumi said, “Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

Love:

Of course we all love our Dogs, but what kind of love do we really have for them? Is it love based on what they can do for us? Or is it a selfless, self-transcendent love? Too often, we base our love for our Dogs on their usefulness to us. Once they no longer please us, our love ends. You only have to go to your local animal shelter to see this. This is because we view our Dogs as “pets”, which are disposable objects created for our own amusement, and not as true, equal friends. These animal shelters are filled with pets; there are no friends there. This is because a true friendship is a relationship based on selfless love, not selfish love. Pets are loved with conditions – that they behave they way we want them to. Friends are loved unconditionally – just for being who they are. In today’s culture of “selfing”, this is often a difficult concept to grasp. It begins by seeing our Dogs as truly equal in value and as beings that are deserving of the same considerations that we are. When we exploit and use our Dogs to feed our own egos and lust for control, we don’t really love them, we only love what they can do for us. Rabbi Twerski has a wonderful explanation of this on Youtube, where he describes what he calls “fish love”. To help us move past our own self-absorption, and to have a truly “horizontal” connection with our dogs as opposed to a “vertical” one, doing shared “metta” meditation, as described here, can be very enlightening. We also need to work on our empathy skills, and sense our dogs experience as if it were our own, moving beyond our “optical delusion of separateness”, as Einstein said.

Connection, Appreciation, Love and Mindfulness is a journey we can share with our Dogs together on the Path of Friendship. The more we walk this path, more faith we have in each other and the closer we become. When we have forged this connection with each other, we always remain side by side regardless of where the path will lead us.

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Greed, Fear or Friendship… What Motivates You and Your Dog?

“A friend is what the heart needs all the time.”
~ Henry van Dyke

Sharing our lives with a Dog fills a void that cannot be filled elsewhere. Perhaps it is somewhere deep in our genetic code, or a part of our vast history together on the planet. Whatever the reasons might be, having a friendship with a Dog makes us more human. It is this connection that inspires us to invest the time, money and emotion into finding the right Dog for us, and building our relationship together. In all of my years working with people and Dogs, and asking the question: “Why did you decide to bring a Dog into your life?”, the answer is invariably the same: for friendship and connection.

Somewhere along the way, however, the desire for control surpassed our need for connection. We hire professional trainers, read books, and watch television programs – all which promise to give us a “better” behaved and more controllable Dog. We may even enter them into contests to prove our ability to control them, and earn certifications so we can “use” our control skills with our Dogs in various venues. Even if our aspirations are not as grand as winning the first place ribbon, our life with our Dogs often becomes a relationship of “puppeteer/puppet” or that of “master/subordinate”. So, what happened to the friendship? Unfortunately, it got lost amidst the overwhelming motivation of greed and/or fear.

A great lie has been put on us: that in order to have a “good” Dog, the Dog must be trained; that we must be in control of them at all times. That unless a Dog is trained and under control, they will run amok and be disruptive, aggressive and a menace to society. That we must be good “owners”. To this I say, respectfully, nonsense! If we are are to live with our Dogs in a harmonious, successful and deeply connected way, then we must strive to be their friends, not their owners.

According to the dictionary:

Greed: The intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power or food.

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Friendship: a state of mutual trust, respect and support.

Here’s how each of these effect us and our Dogs:

Greed:

Currently, the most common philosophy in Dog training is based on Skinnerian behaviorism and positive motivation. In other words, we reward our Dogs for behaving the way we want them to with a treat or a toy. We tell our Dogs, “If your behavior pleases me, I will give you a “goody”. This activates our Dog’s drive system and is fueled by the neurotransmitter Dopamine. This method is often touted as the “humane” way to control our Dogs, but in reality it has a sinister component, and can have a detrimental effect on creating a true friendship with our dogs. When used too much, it can create the desire for more and more reward, as this can lead to greed and addiction. This will weaken the connection we so desire to have with our Dogs. I once even heard a professional trainer boast how he made his Dogs into “treat junkies”. It treats our Dogs as puppets, and not as friends.

Studies have shown that reward-based behavior can kill initiatives and intrinsic motivation. It can actually be a form of punishment if your Dog expects a reward and it doesn’t materialize. (learn more…)

Would you continue working at your job if the paychecks stopped coming at the end of the week? When we overuse rewards, our Dogs develop a “what’s in it for me?” attitude.

What about us? When we are greed motivated, we tend to want more and more control over our Dogs. We boast and show off how we can manipulate every aspect of our dog’s actions. Social media is full of disgusting videos showing how people can exert control over their supposed friends – their Dogs. The competitions of control are even worse. I know this because I, myself, was heavily involved years ago in competitive Dog sports – Schutzhund, Ring Sport and AKC tracking. I rationalized my obsession for this by telling myself that it was “good for my Dogs”, when after all it was only a greedy addiction for trophies and status. It becomes all about our own egos, and we become swept away by what psychologists call B.I.R.G. (Basking In Reflective Glory).

Fear:

Often disguised as “natural” or “pack oriented” training, fear-based training has been around since the beginning of human/dog dyads. It basically says to your Dog that unless you “do this”, you will be severely punished, or worse… ignored. Pack theory is often cited as the justification for this, however it is lack of understanding of pack and group animals that is the culprit here. Punishment raises cortisol levels in Dogs, and when used, it can have profound effects on their overall sense of well-being.

This is not to say that our dogs don’t need to learn limitations or boundaries. After all, roses have thorns and fire is hot – both very useful to keep us safe. It is when the idea of the relationship deteriorates into a master/slave model for the sake of control that fear becomes incredibly damaging. In fact, for there to be a friendship, there can be no fear at all.

With us, when we are motivated by fear, we are often thinking about how others will judge us. I see this all the time at the Dog park. People become very harsh with their Dogs when they jump, bark, etc. because they fear the scorns and scolding of others. They allow the opinions of other people influence their relationship with their Dog. To me, this is very sad.

We also become fearful for the welfare and safety of our Dogs. This often leads to being overprotective and micromanaging everything our Dogs do. As well meaning as this is, it speaks very loudly to the fact that we do not trust our Dog’s judgement or capabilities. This is no way to build a friendship.

Friendship:

Trust, respect, acceptance, compassion, support, freedom, autonomy, devotion, empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, communication, wisdom, commitment, faith in each other… these are just some of the ingredients of a genuine and deeply connected friendship. What should motivate us and our Dogs is the idea and deep conviction that true friends want each other to be happy. It is not a “What’s-in-it-for-me?” attitude, but rather a “What can I do for you?” I want my Dog to be motivated, not by greed or fear, but by friendship and love. This is based on the neurotransmitter Oxytocin, a neurotransmitter released in a loving and comforting friendship – a relationship that is a mutual sanctuary – free from stress.

This is what motivates me every time I am with my Dog. As friends, we enjoy great rapport, and we learn together to respect one another and try our best to act in ways that make each other happy. We share our wisdom with each other in order to help each other navigate through life’s rough spots. We support each other’s autonomy, and accept and love each other for who we are, not what we can train each other to be. This requires open and honest communication. It’s a shared motivation, not a selfish one. It is when, as Martin Buber famously said, “Relation is reciprocity.” It is a relationship of collaboration and cooperation, not bribery or threats.

The more we try to control our Dogs, the further away from connection we get. We cannot have a meaningful friendship if it is based on a one-sided, top-down relationship. It is an on-going dialog, not a monologue or lecture. It’s easy to forget why we chose to bring a Dog into our lives when we become distracted by the lust for control. The good news is that our Dogs never forget.

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Open Heart “Mergery”

“The greatest asset you could own is an open heart.”
~ Nikki Rowe

There is a wonderful story about a young scholar who asked a Rabbi, “How should we keep the Torah?”

The Rabbi said, “You should always keep the Torah on your heart.”

“On your heart?” asked the scholar, “Why not in?”

The Rabbi replied: “Because when your heart is closed, its teachings are not available to you.” “It is only with an open heart can that you can receive the teachings of the Torah.”

Along with my 35 years as an animal behavior consultant, I have been a mindfulness practitioner for close to 40 years, and an instructor of mindfulness practices for over 30 years. Of the many different types of mindfulness practices, the “Metta Bhavana” (Pali) or “Maitri” (Sanskrit) is one of the best ways to enrich compassion in ourselves. This is a compassion and loving-kindness meditation that opens our hearts to ourselves and to the world around us. Metta originates from Buddhist tradition, and is translated as loving-kindness and friendliness. By sharing this practice with our Dogs, we can increase their levels of compassion as well. When we do this, our connection with each other will grow deeper than we could ever have imagined. Our Dog’s behavior, as well as our own behavior, becomes motivated by compassion and love, rather than greed (as what happens with typical Skinnerian reward-based training) or fear (which is what happens with dominance-based training). When we connect and merge at these deep levels of compassion for each other, we become two sides of one coin. Our focus is on helping each other to be happy, rather than looking for how we can only please ourselves. It is essential to do these practices on a regular basis in order to enrich our relationship with each other. Love, therefore, is not only a “noun”, but is also a “verb”- meaning we must make the effort to connect if we are to achieve the highest level of friendship with our Dogs. It is fortunately a labor of love – literally.

To begin, find a time where you and your Dog can sit both quietly and undisturbed. This is not a time for distractions so turn off the phone, television, computer or anything else that will be competing for your attention. This is a special time for you and your Dog to share together.

Begin by asking your Dog to sit next to you, and start to gently and calmly stroke his fur from the bridge of his nose and continue all the way down his back. By stroking directly across his eyes, you will help him to relax. Remember to do this slowly. My teacher once told me, “Go slowly enough so you can count each strand of fur beneath your hand.” If this seems to bother him, then just start from the top of his shoulders. Speak softly to him, use lots of eye contact and smile – your Dog can absolutely read you facial expressions. Continue this for a while until you feel your Dog more relaxed, and you feel more relaxed as well.

At this point, you are going to begin the practice of Shared Mindfulness with your Dog. (To learn more about Shared Mindfulness click here.) Place your hand gently on his ribcage near his heart and notice the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. Focus all your attention on this. You may want to count his breaths, if that helps. Count “one” for each out breath up to ten, then start at one again.

As you do this, your mind will begin to wander. You may become distracted by sounds, or you will begin to have various thoughts come into your mind. Once you notice them, don’t try to push them away. Instead, gently bring your attention and awareness back to your Dog’s breath. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t try to force anything. Continue for a few minutes.

After doing this for a little while, expand your awareness to include your own breath. Notice how your breath and your Dog’s breath have begun to synchronize a little. Don’t force anything, just allow the harmonious breathing to happen without judgements or criticism. Continue with this for a while until the both of you are feeling relaxed and calm.

Now you are going to begin the Metta Bhavana together. Leave your hand on your Dog’s heart, and place your other hand over your own. Begin to say to your Dog, either softly out loud or to yourself:

“May you be happy.”

“May you be peaceful.”

“May you be free of suffering.”

As you say this, try to feel your love and compassion going directly to your Dog’s heart from your own. Say these phrases a few times, feeling each word as you speak them.

Next: Say these words to yourself:

“May I be happy.”

“May I be peaceful.”

“May I be free of suffering.”

This is where we practice our self-compassion, which is essential for this process. We cannot have compassion for our Dogs unless we have it for ourselves first. Continue for a few minutes.

Next, imagine your Dog saying these words to you:

“May you be happy.”

“May you be peaceful.”

“May you be free from suffering.”

I have no doubt that our Dogs feel this way about us, so although we are saying the words for them, their intentions are there. Feel the love and compassion coming from your Dog’s heart directly to your own. Repeat this several times.

Finally, say these words together:

“May we be happy.”

“May we be peaceful.”

May we be free from suffering.”

End this session by going back to Shared Mindfulness and rest in the awareness of you both breathing together. Experience the deep connection between you and your Dog, and savor this moment as long as you both desire to.

By doing Metta meditation with your Dog at least once or twice a week, your level of compassion in both of you with grow substantially, and your hearts will become more open to receive love. This merging of your hearts will lead to a more peaceful, harmonious and stress free relationship. Isn’t that what true friendships are all about?

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It Takes A FISH To Be A Friend

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

O.K., lets get the jokes out of the way. This is not about finding your “sole” mate, nor am I writing this just for the “halibut”. This is about the qualities and character traits we should cultivate in ourselves if we are to have a genuine friendship with our Dogs. Too often, the focus is on changing and controlling our Dogs, yet the “fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves”, as Shakespeare so eloquently said. And what I mean by this is not our lack of skilled technique. Anyone can easily learn the correct way to hold a leash, have the correct timing to offer a treat, etc. Although many Dog trainers claim superiority in finessing these, it is easily mastered by everyone. What I’m referring to is more about who you are, not what you do. The wisdom of Emerson’s words could not be more appropriate. If we want our Dogs to be good friends with us, and everything that entails, then we must first be good friends with them.

Back when I studied Eastern philosophy, mindfulness and martial arts in the 1990’s and early 2000’s with a Taoist and Zen priest, he would always tell his students: “If you want to have equanimity and connection of mind, body and spirit, you must be a FISH”. His acronym stands for:

Flexibility.

Integrity.

Sensitivity.

Humility.

Throughout my life and my work I have tried to live up to his teachings, most recently applying it to my relationship with my own Dogs. As you know from reading my blog posts, the highest ideal anyone can achieve with their Dog is that of a deeply connected friendship. This is more valuable than machine or puppet-like control that many professionals attempt with coercion or through manipulation. In order to cultivate this kind of friendship, we have to cultivate these qualities in ourselves – we must be a FISH.

FLEXIBILITY:

This means to be open-minded, accepting and creative in our relationship with our Dogs. If we take the stand that “one-size-fits-all”, then we do a great disservice to our friends. Each Dog is unique and special; they don’t all act, think, nor feel the same as if they were mass-produced on an assembly line. Genetics will play a role, but only so far as experience and how those genes are turned on and off by experience – not just from the Dog herself, but from the experiences of her mother and father. The growing science of epigenetics is a fascinating look at what can influence an organism’s behavior, appearance, health, etc. without alterations to their DNA. In other words, just because you have a German Shepherd, does not mean he will act the same as every other German Shepherd. That’s just putting your Dog in a box and not really knowing your Dog. [Learn more].

INTEGRITY:

This has several meanings. First, it means being honest with your Dog and not resorting to manipulation or “tricks” to get her to cooperate. When we try to fool our dogs, such as when we call them to us using a treat so we can stuff them into a crate, we destroy any trust they have in us. Eventually, everything we say will become a case of “crying wolf”.

Integrity means also being true to our mission of growing a friendship between us that becomes a mutual sanctuary. We must never lose sight of this goal, especially when the lure of quick control is before us. We must remember to never sacrifice connection for control. Integrity is total commitment, unconditional love, and complete devotion to our Dogs and to our friendship. [learn more].

SENSITIVITY:

If we are to achieve a deep connection with our Dogs, then we must be keenly aware of both our feelings and behaviors and our Dog’s feelings and behaviors, moment by moment. A friendship is about creating a dialogue where both friends are fully heard and acknowledged, and not a monologue or a lecture. This requires constant feedback and stepping out of our own way on occasion to put ourselves in our Dog’s “shoes”. Sensitivity is having an empathic relationship. Our Dogs are pre-wired for this, and we must cultivate this in them as well as in ourselves. Exercises such as Shared Mindfulness can help with this.

HUMILITY:

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the experts mind there are few.” These words, by the great Zen scholar Shunyru Suzuki, clearly define the principle of Humility. All too often we take the stance that we always know what is best for our Dogs. We micro-manage every aspect of their lives, not allowing them to fully be themselves. We are influenced by social media, movies and even so-called professionals who preach that in order for our Dogs to be “good citizens”, they must behave and feel a certain pre-determined way. This is utter nonsense, and at times it can be cruel and abusive. Our Dogs are sometimes wiser, more sensitive and often have better judgement that we have. If we are to have a true friendship with our Dogs, we have to step back and allow them to be themselves at times. We must realize we don’t always know what is best for them. We must give them respect and support their autonomy. Dogs are not empty-headed blank slates, or “tabula rasa” as the philosopher John Locke stated. Nor are they just puppets to be manipulated as many Skinnerian behaviorists and trainers claim. They are multi-dimensional, thinking, feeling beings that strive, (just as we do) for self fulfillment and realization. Humility is accepting our Dogs for the amazing creatures that are, and not always looking to change them. We don’t have all the answers, and we don’t need to always be in control. That is not what a friendship is. Friendship can only grow in an environment of collaboration and cooperation. Sometimes, the best way to move forward in a friendship is to be humble enough to take a step back. [learn more].

A true and fully connected friendship can only occur between two fully functioning individuals. As we strive to help our Dogs become better friends to us, we must equally strive to become better friends to them. This means cultivating the qualities in ourselves that will help us to realize that goal. Humans and Dogs have a unique relationship, one that is unparalleled in the history of the universe. It is a precious connection that should be cherished and developed, and never taken for granted. And that’s no “fish-story”.

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One Size Does Not Fit All

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“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our Dogs are distinct, one-of-a-kind individuals, not one can ever be duplicated in the history of the universe. They are as unique as snowflakes – no two are ever alike. Therefore, a one-size-fits-all approach to our relationship with them would be unfair and disrespectful. Then how is it that so many “professional” trainers and behaviorists try to fit our Dogs into specific categories and boxes, and subscribe to“canned” answers to behavior problems? A single technique is applied because they are not seeing our Dogs as friends and equals that we need to connect with, only as pets and property that need to be managed and controlled.

We live in a culture that expects instant gratification and immediate solutions to problems. We “google” our way through troubles and difficulties, usually settling for lowest common denominator solutions and quick-fixes. Many Dogs are abandoned, surrendered to shelters, abused and neglected because we attempt this pre-packaged approach with them. We create expectations based on pages in a random book, or what some “expert”, who often only only sees our Dogs in specific situations and for a very brief period of time, says we should. These expectations not only blur our vision, but they often prevent us from seeing all the great things about our Dogs, because we filter our vision through these limited expectations. Our Dogs, as with other living creatures, must be seen for who they are – without prejudging them on their breed, gender or history. If we are to achieve the connection with them that we really want – as friends – then we have to have an open mind, be flexible in our approach with them, and understand completely that the Dog in front of us is not just a statistic in some book, but a living, breathing, thinking and feeling miracle.

It all begins with appreciating, accepting and loving our dogs for who they are, not just what we want them to be. It means seeing them as an “objet trouvé”, (art that is found as it is) as opposed to “objet d’art” (created art). This defines unconditional love and acceptance – not contingent upon any behavior or action that we desire. This is the root of any meaningful and deep friendship, what Aristotle called “friendship of the good”, the highest form of friendship as opposed to friendship based on contingencies and conditions.

True friendship continues by allowing our Dogs to be themselves as we support their autonomy so they can grow to their fullest potential – what true friends would want for each other, as opposed to a “what-can-you-do-for-me” attitude.

This also requires effective and compassionate communication, what I call the “effectiveness zone”, which is different for every Dog, and in every situation. Here’s how it works:

Picture two horizontal lines, one above the other. The top line represents the upper limit of effective communication and the bottom line represents the lower limit. In between the lines is where our communication with our Dogs is most effective and most compassionate. It’s like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. We want to find what’s “just right”. Here’s an example:

If our Dog was about to run into the street when a car was approaching, obviously we would need to communicate to her that this would be a dangerous thing to do. If we become too emotional and too extreme, (above the upper line), then she may not get the message and become panicky and fearful, possibly running into the path of the car. If we are too laid-back with our communication, (below the line), then she wouldn’t get the message either and might run into the road. We need to be somewhere right in between. This is also true for positive communication, not just negative ones. If we have asked our Dog to “sit” instead of jumping on us when we walk through the door, then too little praise, (below the line), will not be enough to tell him we appreciate his action. If we over-praise and get him too excited and worked-up, (above the line), then he will likely jump up again.

So how do we know when we are communicating in our Dog’s effectiveness zone? We need to be sensitive to the feedback they give us at that moment, and not blindly follow some technique or method we read in a book or a “professional” trainer told us. We need to connect and look at our Dogs and see if they understood what we were trying to tell them. It’s the same thing we would do with a friend. If we communicated with our friend, we might ask, “Did you understand?”, in order to know if we need to say it in a different way. If we see that our Dogs did not get the message in the way we intended, we must change our approach. This is how friends act with each other, an organic and not a mechanical process.

I always begin work with my clients by helping them understand that working with their Dog is a dialog and a conversation – not a monologue and a lecture. It’s a respectful and compassionate back and forth “dance” where each partner has a say and where we share the role of leadership. If we want a deep and vibrant connection with our Dogs; if we want to live with them in harmonious resonance, then we must treat each other as friends and equals, not as owner/pet. We must see beyond the artificial and one-dimensional labels and boxes we put them in. Only when we have removed the barriers of inequality and categorization can we effectively communicate with our Dogs, and fully connect with each other. This requires us to appreciate each other for the individuals we are, and therefore “custom make” our friendship. We can’t find that on the “one-size-fits-all” rack.

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National Dog “Equality” Day?

There are no friends in animal shelters – only pets.

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“Friendship is a serious affection; the most sublime of all affections, because it is founded on principle, and cemented by time.”
~ Mary Wollstonecraft

Today is National Dog Day, a commemoration that increases awareness of Dogs that need to be rescued. It also is a celebration of how Dogs throughout history have helped Humans lead happier, healthier and safer lives. The day brings attention to the “plight of animals”, yet it falls short in bringing awareness to the fact that although we call Dogs our “best friends”, our relationship has been one of owner/pet rather than true friends.

Today is also Women’s Equality Day commemorating the nineteenth amendment to the constitution in 1920 prohibiting states from denying women the right to vote. This celebrates the equality of all humanity regardless of gender (as if that ever had to be questioned in the first place).

National Dog Day should take a page from Women’s Equality Day to encourage genuine and equal friendships between Humans and Dogs. The founder of National Dog Day, Colleen Paige, speaks about why so many Dogs are surrendered to shelters and given away:

“Millions of dogs are killed each year because they’re simply unwanted, says Colleen Paige, founder of National Dog Day. They’re unwanted because no one realized how to properly care for the demands of the breed. They’re unwanted because they were bought as a Christmas gift for a child that didn’t keep their promises about caring for the dog…unwanted because they shed too much…unwanted because they bark too much. UNWANTED…simply because someone changed their mind…”

Although I agree in with her in part, she’s missing the bigger picture. She’s describing the symptoms and NOT the disease. The root cause of Dog surrenders is that Dogs are seen as less important than Humans. Their lives are seen as less valuable, less deserving, and less equal. Yes – we call them our friends, but do we walk our talk? Friends never abandon friends.

There are no friends in animal shelters – only pets.

By exploiting Dogs for our own selfish amusement and utility, they may become manipulated, dominated, neglected, abandoned and sometimes abused. That is not how friends treat each other.

We selectively breed our supposed “friends” for physical abnormalities that can shorten their life and cause suffering, e.g.: bulldogs, great Danes, teacup poodles, etc. We “install” behavioral drives that create perpetual frustration. For example, we breed in strong predatory drives not based on hunger, which can never be satisfied, so the dog is condemned to live with an itch that can never be scratched. We perpetuate “fashion” breeds to suit the whims of people who want to own the newest creation. Being true friends with our dogs means ending the genetic manipulation and breeding for our own pleasure and nostalgia. Most purebreds are never involved in the tasks they were originally “designed” for, and are being bred now because of our desire for a specific “style”. This serves our pleasure alone and does nothing to serve the Dogs. (Shame on you AKC).

If we are to truly respect and honor Dogs, as so many claim to, then we have to treat them with equal consideration. In other words, we have to walk our talk and treat them as friends. This does not mean only babying them or indulging them with fancy beds and tons of toys. That stuff is great, but does not replace treating them as equals with respect, appreciation and dignity.

This also means putting an end to coercive tactics and “dominating” our Dogs. We are not a pack of wolves; we are friends. Humans and Dogs evolved together and helped to domesticate each other. Our relationship began as equal friends and partners and not as master and slave.

In addition, we also need to end our lust for control and stop micro-managing and manipulating our Dogs solely for our own enjoyment, even under the guise of “humane” training. Would you treat your friend as an object and use manipulative Skinnerian “puppeteering” to get your friend to “obey” you? Of course not. If you did, you would not be a friend.

As a society we need to open our doors to Dogs more, and allow them to accompany us to more places such as stores, National parks, restaurants, and other locales that discriminate based solely on species, and NOT on behavior. Landlords need to recognize that Dogs can be good tenants, and be more accepting of them in rental properties. There should be a universal code of conduct in public places. If everyone adhered to this code of conduct, then it wouldn’t matter if they were Dog, Cat, Human… if they violated the code of conduct they would be asked to leave instead of basing it only on species. I have been many places where the Dogs were fine, but the Humans were acting inappropriately. This does not mean simply being a “good citizen”. That implies blind conformity and obedience – Rosa Parks was not considered a good citizen, yet she she was one of the greatest influencers of freedom in history. It means being respectful, accepting, and tolerant of others as equals.

I’m amazed that we Humans actually need an amendment to our constitution that gives one gender the same rights as another gender. It boggles my mind that equality is something that has to be legislated. It’s even more boggling that even today, this equality is still something that has to be fought for. The idea that one person is less “equal” because of their gender, culture, religion, race, or even economic status is a shameful commentary on the collective consciousness of many Humans. Sexism, racism, and class discrimination are symptoms of self-absorbed, self-serving and ignorant minds. So is speciesism. We are better than that.

I am advocating for Dogs to be treated as equal friends, and not as pets. Friends in the truest sense, as in Aristotle’s highest form of friendship: the “friendship of the good”. It is only between those who can give each other equal consideration and not put themselves above or below the other, that a true friendship can form. If the relationship is unequal, one-sided, and based on utility or amusement, then it is not a true friendship, it is ownership. This requires continuous attention to our own actions and feelings, in addition to our Dog’s behavior, to ensure this equality. Mary Wollstonecraft, a pioneer of feminism once said: “Friendship and domestic happiness are continually praised; yet how little is there of either in the world, because it requires more cultivation of mind to keep awake affection, even in our own hearts, than the common run of people suppose.”

With all we know and understand about non-human consciousness, it’s hard to grasp the fact that we treat animals as less deserving of consideration than us, simply because they are a different species. This includes Dogs. I had a spiritual teacher who always said, “All life is precious.” I couldn’t agree more. Our Dogs, who have stood side-by-side with Humans for tens of thousands of years, deserve to be treated with equal consideration. They deserve (as do all non-humans) to be treated as equal friends – not just in words, but in actions. When that day comes, National Dog Equality Day will also be a day worth celebrating.

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An Organically Grown Friendship

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
~ William Shakespeare

In my professional life, my focus has been helping people who are dissatisfied with their Dogs. Most often we lay the blame at the Dog’s feet. The common thought is that “lack of training” is the cause, and that is why my clients initially seek out Dog trainers, behaviorists, and other professionals. Whether they look for the so-called “positive only” trainers (which is really a misnomer) or more traditional dominance-based trainers, or behavior “modification” trainers, the truth is that they are barking up the wrong tree. Focusing on the Dog’s behavior and taking a reductionist rather than a holistic approach is the problem, not the solution. The truth is, the problem lies in how we relate to each other, not in how our Dogs behave.

Furthermore, it is obvious that traditional mechanistic approaches to behavior have failed. Yes, there are many “trained” Dogs out there, but at the same time the animal shelters and rescue organizations are overflowing. Many of the Dogs that are surrendered are also well-trained, yet they suffer and die in these shelters every day. In addition, there are an untold number of neglected and abused Dogs that go unreported in homes that once had high hopes for a successful relationship.

What we need is a new paradigm. We need to grow our friendships organically and naturally, rather than attempting to manufacture them artificially. The Path of Friendship is a naturalization of this important relationship. It grows the friendship from the inside-out, organically, as a fruit tree grows from the ground. From seed to fruit, our friendship with our Dogs develops inherently and naturally.

SEED:

As in all growth, we begin with a seed. This is the seed of Faith. It is faith in our Dogs, faith in ourselves, and faith in our friendship, which has been a part of Human/Dog existence for tens of thousands of years. It is the unshakable belief that our relationship with our Dogs will grow to its fullest, in spite of any obstacles that may arise. This is different than hope, which contains a bit of uncertainty. Faith has no room for doubt and uncertainty. With out this faith, the relationship is doomed before it even begins to sprout.

SOIL:

The ground in which we plant this seed of faith must be firm and rich. This is our Commitment to our relationship with our Dogs. Commitment is the “terra firma” in which the friendship grows, with the emphasis on “firma”. All growth will face difficulties and obstacles. If we give up when problems arise, we will never enjoy the sweet fruit of a successful friendship. Our commitment to our Dogs and our friendship must be unshakable. “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” should be our mantra. When we walk the Path of Friendship with our Dogs, the ground beneath our feet must be firm and true. Otherwise, we can never progress along the path.

ROOTS:

A tree cannot survive a storm unless it has deep roots. This is our unconditional love and acceptance for our Dogs. When we make our love for our Dogs contingent on “good behavior” (whatever that means) or obedience, we create insecurity, anxiety and detachment. Techniques such as love withdrawal, time-outs, and other Skinnerian-based manipulations may serve to gain control, but do so at the expense of connection. When we tell our Dogs, “I’ll only love you if…”, if they obey our commands, if they behave they way we want them to…, then our Dogs learn that the friendship is not with who they are, but only with what they do. This destroys their spirit, and prevents us from experiencing a relationship and a friendship that is deep and nourishing to our souls. As friends, we must strive to be each other’s sanctuary.

TRUNK:

From these strong roots, a tree grows big and strong, provided it has the space to grow. When we micro-manage our Dogs behavior we never allow them the freedom to be who they are. We must support their autonomy and give them the room to grow and become themselves. All life strives for self-determination and self-realization. If freedom is restricted, we create an atmosphere of oppression, deviousness and depression. As Leo Buscaglia once said, “Nothing can grow in the shade.” Our Dogs must be free to make their own choices and to be themselves in most situations. If we only want to share our life with a Dog to feed our lust for control, we’d be better off buying a robot. Of course, when their safety or happiness is in jeopardy, we can guide them on how to be safe. But they must also know that they are free to make choices. When our Dogs feel constantly manipulated and controlled by us, resentment, fear and insecurity arise. Autonomy is not capricious individualization. It is the freedom to be one’s self in the context of cooperation with others. Which brings us to the next part:

BRANCHES:

If we are to grow deep and meaningful friendships with our Dogs, we must live in an environment of collaboration and cooperation. We must respectfully integrate with each other. As our Dogs are enjoying the freedom to branch out and be themselves, we must also be able to enjoy the same freedom. Therefore, we need to communicate boundaries and limits to each other. There will be times when each of us must say “No” to something. Teaching our Dogs to respect what is important to us, AND learning to respect what is important to our Dogs is essential if we want our friendship to grow. We must help each other become good friends, and learn to be sensitive and receptive to each other’s needs. This is based on equality, rather than a top-down, “I am always the boss” relationship. If there is no equality, there is no true friendship. When the relationship is unequal, what we may call a “friendship” is really “ownership”. Setting limits and boundaries are what enables us and our Dogs the freedom to be ourselves within the context of a friendship. If we are equal partners, we must respect and integrate with each other.

LEAVES:

Our Dogs and us have very different skill sets. Although we are equal members of our friendship, we are not the same in terms of understanding and ability. This difference is why we fit together so well, and have enjoyed an inter-species relationship for thousands of years. When we share our wisdom and learn to give each other compassionate guidance, we nourish this friendship so it can grow and thrive. Our motivation for this must be for the benefit and growth of the other, and not for our own selfish desires. Trusting each other’s abilities is essential. We must aim to help each other self-actualize and become fully functioning individuals. If my Dog does not understand that a speeding car is dangerous, then as a friend I will share my wisdom with her and give her guidance on how to be safe. In turn, when I become lost on a backwoods trail, I will trust my Dog’s wisdom and take her guidance on how to find my way home. This is what true friendship is all about. It is not about obedience, compliance, and self-serving/selfish desires. It is about two individuals helping each other thrive and become fully functioning individuals..

FRUIT:

When we have a seed of faith, plant it on the soil of commitment, have the roots of unconditional love and devotion, allow the trunk the freedom to grow, integrate with branches of respect, nourish each other with leaves of wisdom and compassionate guidance, the our friendship will grow to fruition and we will enjoy the fruit of kenzoku, which is the Japanese word for a deep, connected and self-transcendent friendship. This organically grown friendship is not always free from difficulties and problems, but those obstacles are never the cause of despair. We learn to join with our Dogs to work through those difficult times together, as friends. The goal becomes to deepen the friendship, not to control each other. This is what being true friends really means. And each time we savor the fruit of our relationship, we find that it continues to deepen and grow as we walk the Path of Friendship with our Dogs together.

“If control is your goal, you’ll empty their soul; but if love’s what you nourish, their spirit will flourish.”

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