Let Go, and Let Dog.

Let go and let dog.
Path of friendship.

“The reason birds can fly and we can’t is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings.”
~ J. M. Barrie, The Little White Bird

If there is lack of faith in a friendship with your Dog, the friendship doesn’t really exist.  Every day, Dogs are being abandoned, surrendered to animal shelters, and even abused because we don’t have faith in our friendship, faith in our Dogs, or even faith in ourselves.  Faith is the seed from which every successful friendship grows.  Without it, skill, information, and effort will only produce a facsimile of a genuine friendship. With faith, even a tiny bit, there is no obstacle too large, no chasm too wide, and no task too difficult to prevent the deep connection needed for a pure and true friendship to grow.  Yet, we live in a culture that ridicules faith as being too precarious, too opaque and too idealistic. Instead, control has become our obsession.

This obsession with control is precisely what creates barriers between us and our Dogs, and prevents us from growing a genuine friendship.   Although many professionals, books and social media discuss the idea of friendship, what they are really describing is ownership, and therefore rather than achieving a deep connection, they are just promoting control and exploitation.   

Ownership clings, friendship lets go.  

When I think about how how I learned what faith is, I am often reminded of the time I went skydiving.  I didn’t really want to go, as I had a fear of heights, but it was a case of “open mouth, insert foot”.  I was dating a girl who’s brother was a paratrooper, and while we were talking together one day, I mentioned that I would love to go skydiving.  My ego was on the line, standing next to this brave, macho brother of my girlfriend.  Of course, I never expected to really jump out of an airplane.  However, when her brother said, “I know a great place you can do that, and it’s on me!”, I couldn’t back out.

It was very sunny at the small airfield in southern New Jersey, where myself and two other nervous first-time jumpers would spend the next three hours preparing for our jump.  We learned about our parachutes, how they were packed, what a drogue is, and the way they the chute would be opened. We also spend the bulk of the time learning how to fall, by jumping off a platform.  If we landed wrong we could injure or possibly break our legs.  Looking back, this was the first lesson of faith I had, although I was not aware of it.  We learned not to look at the ground when landing, because we may reach for it by stretching and reaching out our legs in order to control the fall.  Instead, we were told to look at the horizon, and to have faith in our chute and our newly learned ability to land safely.  

The time came for the plane to ascend.  There were three students, including myself, and our instructor in a small propeller plane with worn out seats and a musty smell.  I knew what I was supposed to do, yet I didn’t know if I could actually go through with it.  The door opened and we were expected to stand on the outer step, hold onto the wing and wait for the instructor’s signal to let go.  The first guy was called up. I never saw someone turn so pale and frightened.  As he held on to the wing, I could almost hear his heart beating.  He let go, and was gone.  Next was my turn.  I stepped out of the plane onto the platform and gripped the wing so tightly that I though my fingers would break off.  All the preparation I did earlier had come down to this moment.  I still had to just have faith and let go.  I heard my instructor say “now!”, but his voice was distant and seemed unreal.  A second “NOW!”, and I let go of the wing.  

The experience was incredible.  I never felt so free and peaceful.  As I was gently floating towards the earth, and steering towards a large bullseye on ground (by pulling down right and left levers on the chute), I wondered what I tried so hard to hold on to.  Not just on the wing of the airplane, but also to my fear of heights and to my desire for constant control.  I landed on my feet, looking at the horizon as I was instructed to, but my heart and soul were still flying free.  

I had my skydiving experience over 35 years ago, but I still think about it every day.  

In trying to describe what faith is, I find it useful to contrast it with what it is not:

Faith vs. Fear:

When we try to control our Dogs, it is often based on fear.  Fear that they will misbehave, fear that they will hinder our peace, fear that they will embarrass us, and even fear that they will harm themselves.  Too much of this fear will lead to controlling every aspect of our Dog’s lives, and that leaves them no room for their own lives.  If we truly love our Dogs, then we must love them and have faith in them as Dogs, and not as puppets or machines.  We need to have a healthy balance between fear and faith, and trust that our Dogs are perfect just as they are.

Faith vs. Hope:

Hope is a hollow uncertainty.  When we hope for something, we desire a specific outcome, yet we are not sure we will get it.  There is a strong element of doubt in hope.  Faith is certainty – not about a future outcome, but about a present moment perfection.  “In the whole universe, not one blade of grass is out of place.” – Chuang Tzu

Faith vs. Belief: 

Belief and faith are polar opposites.  Belief is tightly grasping an idea or a concept.  Faith is letting go of fixed ideas and concepts.  Faith is having a beginner’s mind. “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities.  In the expert’s mind there are few.”- Shunryu Suzuki

When we let go of preconceived notions and assumptions about what sharing life with our Dog is, then we are free to experience all the joys, nuances and textures of the relationship. True friendship can never stand if it is forced, and when our fear of falling causes us to grip so tightly, we lose the very friendship we seek in the first place, we find, paradoxically, that only by letting go, can we fly.

When Are You Coming Home…?

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“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.”
~ Bowlby & Ainsworth

“It’s tearing my world apart.”, said Kim, speaking about her 2 year old pit-bull mix, Tank.  “I can’t leave the house to go to work without coming home to a disaster.”  “I don’t really care about the stuff he destroys, I’m just worried that he’ll injure himself again.”  “I’ve had him to the vet several times because he’s cut his paws and mouth on stuff, and I’m afraid for his safety.”

This is an all too common scenario I’ve encountered over the years.  Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), is a frustrating and potentially dangerous problem that adversely effects relationships between Humans and Dogs.  The ironic thing is that the problem itself is relational, and prone to the snowball effect: the more troubled the relationship, the more SAD is experienced, the more SAD is experienced, the more troubled the relationship.  

According to the DSM, “Separation anxiety disorder is the inappropriate and excessive display of fear and distress when faced with situations of separation from the home or from a specific attachment figure.”  And while the DSM addresses issues involving Humans, this definition is equally relevant with our Dogs.  It often manifests itself in destructive behaviors, such as scratching or biting at doors and windows, tearing up shoes, pillows, books, carpets… really any object that may have an association to the Human.  It can also manifest itself in depression, which can display as the refusal to take treats or toys or to acknowledge petting and other signs of affection.  And it can show itself as excessive “neediness”, where the Dog cannot seem to get enough attention and is constantly asking for more.

Popular methods to help with this issue have been focused on distraction, such as filling a toy with peanut butter.  Another way is confinement and caging. Other methods utilize calming devices such as compression shirts and essential oils, and there is even the pharmacological approach, using drugs such as such as alprazolam (Xanax), fluoxetine (Prozak), clomipramine (Clomicalm) or, more recently, cannabis extracts.  While these methods have had some success, they fail to get to the root of the problem, which is relational.

Rather than approaching this issue from a behavioral perspective, I have found far greater success when I have used a theory from evolutionary psychology, called “attachment theory”.  Attachment theory originated In the late 1950’s from the work of  Dr. John Bowlby and was expanded in the 1970’s by Dr. Mary Ainsworth.  They both successfully disputed and contradicted the popular behavioristic theories that attachment is simply a learned behavior, which states that a child becomes attached to the mother simply because she feeds the infant.  Bowlby showed that attachment can be understood within an evolutionary context, in that the caregiver provides safety and security for the child.  A secure attachment increases the child’s chances of survival.  As this applies to our Dogs, when we develop a relationship with them, they become dependent on us for survival and need to develop secure attachments with us as well.  Separation anxiety is often caused by insecure attachments. Creating a friendship that is a secure base (as Bowlby stated) is the best way to permanently help this situation.

When we use a behavioristic approach, such as distraction, we are trying to substitute a solid and secure friendship with a treat-filled toy.  When we use confinement, that only serves to bring about a state of “learned helplessness”, where our Dogs essentially just give up, or often exacerbates the situation by stacking one stressful situation on top of another. Compression shirts are a poor substitute for a genuine physical connection, and are reminiscent of the controversial experiments done by Harry Harlow with Rhesus monkeys.  And finally, drugs will calm your Dog down, but as in all of these other behavioristic approaches, it serves only to temporarily alleviate the symptoms, and never gets to the root of the problem.  The root of the problem, as I have stated, is relational.  We need to develop a secure friendship with our Dogs to help them feel safe when we are not with them.

There are a few ways to prevent and heal the disconnect with our Dogs that leads to separation anxiety:

First:

Never make your love contingent on good behavior.  This is something that I see so many trainers do, and it makes me furious!  In a traditional Skinnerian behavioristic approach, we are told to only reinforce “good” behavior with petting, affection and treats, and to ignore “bad” behavior.  In other words, what these trainers are suggesting is that we tell our Dogs,  “I’ll only love you if…”, If you behave the way I want you to, if you stop acting like a Dog, if you conform to arbitrary standards and become a “good citizen”, etc.  When we dole out our love as if it were a commodity that our Dogs are only worthy of if they behave in a particular way, then we are driving a wedge between us, creating an insecure base where our Dogs live in a world of uncertainty and doubt.  This makes them always anxious about doing the “right” thing.  Techniques that use “love withdrawal” as motivation are holding our Dog’s hearts and souls hostage, and will greatly damage the relationship.

The best way to create a secure base and have our dogs never doubt that they are safe in our friendship with them is to love them unconditionally.  This means we show them that we love them, regardless of how they are acting.  We may want to change their behavior, but that should be an act of compassion and guidance without using our love as a bargaining chip.

Second:

Use calming exercises to help with anxiety.  One way is to use Shared Mindfulness and other calming exercises, which connects you and your Dog on a deep level.  Another way is to massage your dog.  There is an abundance of information out there on various techniques that can help.  My only suggestion is that you do this with your Dog, and don’t send him to someone else.  This is a bonding and calming experience between the two of you, and it loses that value when someone else is doing it.  Of course, for therapeutic massage to help with physical ailments, it’s always best to see a specialist.

Finally:

Practice Stay, not Wait.  Many people confuse these two different exercises we try to teach our Dogs, and all too often its the Wait that is emphasized.  I witness trainers and behaviorists teaching Dogs to stay by using a treat, telling them “Stay”, and after a few minutes releasing them where the Dog runs back to the person and gets a treat.  This is a classic example a tension building exercise.  The longer your Dog “stays” in this situation, the more tension and stress is created.  This is akin to stopping at a red light a block before your final destination.  When you’re at the red light, you are “staying” there, but what happens as that red light drags on?  Do you feel more relaxed, or more tense and anxious to continue?  The answer is obvious.  

When we work with our Dogs in Stay, the message should be clear: “Stay here and relax until I come back for you.”  The more our Dogs understand this, the more secure they will be when we are absent, and the better they will be able to relax when they are by themselves.  In order to communicate this to our Dogs, we have to refrain from any extrinsic motivation such as a food reward, or punishment.  It is a matter of gently and persistently helping our Dogs to relax (using one of the techniques above), telling them Stay, and moving away from them.  Then, coming back to them to show them that it’s ok to be without us for a moment.  As we gradually increase the time and distance, they will become confident that although we are gone, they are safe.  This creates a secure connection and safe attachment.  This can then easily translate into “staying” at home securely when we leave, and waiting confidently for us to return.

Helping our Dogs overcome the anxiety and stress they feel when they are home alone is never an easy task.  It takes time, patience and commitment to the friendship to ensure success.  Fortunately, when we create a secure attachment with each other, and a deep and connected friendship, our Dogs and ourselves will never feel alone, even when we are miles apart.

Open Heart “Mergery”

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“The greatest asset you could own is an open heart.”
~ Nikki Rowe

 

There is a wonderful story about a young scholar who asked a Rabbi, “How should we keep the Torah?”

The Rabbi said, “You should always keep the Torah on your heart.”

“On your heart?” asked the scholar, “Why not in?”

The Rabbi replied: “Because when your heart is closed, its teachings are not available to you.” “It is only with an open heart can that you can receive the teachings of the Torah.” 

 

Along with my 35 years as an animal behavior consultant, I have been a mindfulness practitioner for close to 40 years, and an instructor of mindfulness practices for over 30 years.  Of the many different types of mindfulness practices, the “Metta Bhavana” (Pali) or “Maitri” (Sanskrit) is one of the best ways to enrich compassion in ourselves.  This is a compassion and loving-kindness meditation that opens our hearts to ourselves and to the world around us.  Metta originates from Buddhist tradition, and is translated as loving-kindness and friendliness.  By sharing this practice with our Dogs, we can increase their levels of compassion as well.  When we do this, our connection with each other will grow deeper than we could ever have imagined.  Our Dog’s behavior, as well as our own behavior, becomes motivated by compassion and love, rather than greed (as what happens with typical Skinnerian reward-based training) or fear (which is what happens with dominance-based training).  When we connect and merge at these deep levels of compassion for each other, we become two sides of one coin.  Our focus is on helping each other to be happy, rather than looking for how we can only please ourselves.  It is essential to do these practices on a regular basis in order to enrich our relationship with each other.  Love, therefore, is not only a “noun”, but is also a “verb”- meaning we must make the effort to connect if we are to achieve the highest level of friendship with our Dogs.   It is fortunately a labor of love – literally.  

To begin, find a time where you and your Dog can sit both quietly and undisturbed.  This is not a time for distractions so turn off the phone, television, computer or anything else that will be competing for your attention.  This is a special time for you and your Dog to share together.  

Begin by asking your Dog to sit next to you, and start to gently and calmly stroke his fur from the bridge of his nose and continue all the way down his back.  By stroking directly across his eyes, you will help him to relax.  Remember to do this slowly.  My teacher once told me, “Go slowly enough so you can count each strand of fur beneath your hand.”  If this seems to bother him, then just start from the top of his shoulders.  Speak softly to him, use lots of eye contact and smile – your Dog can absolutely read you facial expressions.  Continue this for a while until you feel your Dog more relaxed, and you feel more relaxed as well.

At this point, you are going to begin the practice of Shared Mindfulness with your Dog. (To learn more about Shared Mindfulness click here.) Place your hand gently on his ribcage near his heart and notice the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes.  Focus all your attention on this.  You may want to count his breaths, if that helps.  Count “one” for each out breath up to ten, then start at one again.  

As you do this, your mind will begin to wander.  You may become distracted by sounds, or you will begin to have various thoughts come into your mind.  Once you notice them, don’t try to push them away.  Instead, gently bring your attention and awareness back to your Dog’s breath.  Be gentle with yourself, and don’t try to force anything.  Continue for a few minutes. 

After doing this for a little while, expand your awareness to include your own breath. Notice how your breath and your Dog’s breath have begun to synchronize a little.  Don’t force anything, just allow the harmonious breathing to happen without judgements or criticism.  Continue with this for a while until the both of you are feeling relaxed and calm.  

Now you are going to begin the Metta Bhavana together.  Leave your hand on your Dog’s heart, and place your other hand over your own.  Begin to say to your Dog, either softly out loud or to yourself: 

 “May you be happy.”  

“May you be peaceful.”  

“May you be free of suffering.”  

As you say this, try to feel your love and compassion going directly to your Dog’s heart from your own.  Say these phrases a few times, feeling each word as you speak them.

Next:  Say these words to yourself:

“May I be happy.”

“May I be peaceful.”

“May I be free of suffering.”

This is where we practice our self-compassion, which is essential for this process.  We cannot have compassion for our Dogs unless we have it for ourselves first.  Continue for a few minutes.  

Next, imagine your Dog saying these words to you:

“May you be happy.”

“May you be peaceful.”

“May you be free from suffering.”

I have no doubt that our Dogs feel this way about us, so although we are saying the words for them, their intentions are there.  Feel the love and compassion coming from your Dog’s heart directly to your own.  Repeat this several times.

Finally, say these words together:

“May we be happy.”

“May we be peaceful.”

May we be free from suffering.”

End this session by going back to Shared Mindfulness and rest in the awareness of you both breathing together.  Experience the deep connection between you and your Dog, and savor this moment as long as you both desire to.

By doing Metta meditation with your Dog at least once or twice a week, your level of compassion in both of you with grow substantially, and your hearts will become more open to receive love.  This merging of your hearts will lead to a more peaceful, harmonious and stress free relationship.  Isn’t that what true friendships are all about?